I have to write a 10,000-20,000 word novel for my English class by the end of the month and i'm going to share it here because I have nothing else to do. And so you can comment on it, give me suggestions, and to make fun of it (Bakster). It is just a first draft that I need to do though and it won't even be read. I also don't have that many quotes. So far, all I have is the prologue and a word count of 333.
Prologue:
In the age of old there was once an Empire known as Mekanakor. They were at war with the Evil Hakarion Empire. The armies were currently concentrating most of their efforts in the province of Chakmoore. They were fighting over the ancient relic of Hara-Nor. Its mystical powers granted immortality to all who unleashed its power. It was hidden deep in the old city which Chakmoore was built over. Recently, the Hakarion Empire was winning the battle and had gained control of the city.
A young officer of the Mekanakor Empire named Tanas was sent out with a small force to infiltrate the old city and capture the relic. They had to break through dozens of enemy soldiers to get there. They set off through the streets. When they found the entrance, it was heavily guarded. They looked around some and found a hidden passageway that led down to the old city. After walking hundreds of steps in pitch darkness, they came to some light. They saw a few enemy soldiers. They easily took them out, and grabbed one of their torches. They continued deeper down, until eventually they came to a chamber with hundreds of Hakarion soldiers inside. They found a hidden spot where they could spy on what was going on in the chamber. The soldiers were gathering around an artifact, it was the relic of Harak-Nor which the two empires were fighting over.
“This is the moment of triumph; with this we shall finally destroy the Mekanakor Empire!†the General of the Hakarion troops said. The general touched the relic and it started to glow green and hum. Tanas and his soldiers knew that it would most likely be suicide, but they could not let the Hakarion’s get a hold of the power of the Hara-Nor. They charged into the chamber and attacked the Hakarion’s in the confusion of the relic. Just then, before anyone knew what was happening, the relic flashed a white light and then all went dark.
i dont read, so good luck with that, and dont expect anything from me. i will of course give u some topic suggestions that u may be able to "work in"
- chuck norris
- monsters
- lumberjacks
- kevin federline
- haferhole1
- the dictionary seems to be very popular, try to work it in
- same goes with the bible
- flying spagetti monsters
- make it rhyme
- make fun of emo/goth/scene kids
- you can never use the letter "X" enough, it makes everything sound cool
- coupins (ron white reference, if uv ever herd of him)
- mimes getting pwned in soul caliber, then in real life
if 5 or more of those make it in, i might read it. probobly not though, since i despise reading in all forms. mabey if u put it on an mp3... nah, i got better music. ah! put it in a play! then ill know what ur talkin bout
I have considered your excellent topics but after rigorous thinking the only thing I can put in is monsters, which I was already going to put in.
Perhaps my next story I have to make I might be able to make it rhyme
And u read the posts on this forum all the time!
However I can make the prologue have 5 things right now! ;D
Quote from: flamingdragon on November 08, 2006, 01:51:21 AM
Prologue:
In the age of old there was once an Empire known as Mekanakor. They were at war with the Evil Hakarion Empire. The armies were currently concentrating most of their efforts in the province of Chakmoore. They were fighting over the ancient relic of Hara-Nor. Its mystical powers granted immortality to all who unleashed its power. It was hidden deep in the old city which Chakmoore was built over. Recently, the Hakarion Empire was winning the battle and had gained control of the city.
A young officer of the Mekanakor Empire named Tanas was sent out with a small force to infiltrate the old city and capture the relic. They had to break through dozens of enemy soldiers to get there. They set off through the streets. When they found the entrance, it was heavily guarded. They looked around some and found a hidden passageway that led down to the old city. After walking hundreds of steps in pitch darkness, they came to some light. They saw a few enemy soldiers. They easily took them out, and grabbed one of their torches. They continued deeper down, until eventually they came to a chamber with hundreds of Hakarion soldiers inside. They found a hidden spot where they could spy on what was going on in the chamber. The soldiers were gathering around an artifact, it was the relic of Harak-Nor which the two empires were fighting over.
“This is the moment of triumph; with this we shall finally destroy the Mekanakor Empire!†the General of the Hakarion troops said. The general touched the relic and it started to glow green and hum. Tanas and his soldiers knew that it would most likely be suicide, but they could not let the Hakarion’s get a hold of the power of the Hara-Nor. Just then Chuch Norris jumped in and karated them all to death, then a monster came through the walls and fought him. Chuck Norris was winning when, a flying spaghetti monster came and sided with the other monster. C.N. was doomed, but then a lumberjack came to his rescue. Then the lumber jack said, "xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx", then the Hakarion soldiers came back to life and killed all four of them.[/b] They charged into the chamber and attacked the Hakarion’s in the confusion of the relic. Just then, before anyone knew what was happening, the relic flashed a white light and then all went dark.
Is that good enough for u?
i read the short posts, after they get to be long, i ignore them, and the bold print that i read was exelent literature, keep it up
Quote from: flamingdragon on November 08, 2006, 01:51:21 AM
I have to write a 10,000-20,000 word novel for my English class by the end of the month and i'm going to share it here because I have nothing else to do. And so you can comment on it, give me suggestions, and to make fun of it (Bakster). It is just a first draft that I need to do though and it won't even be read. I also don't have that many quotes. So far, all I have is the prologue and a word count of 333.
Prologue:
In the age of old there was once an Empire known as Mekanakor. They were at war with the Evil Hakarion Empire. The armies were currently concentrating most of their efforts in the province of Chakmoore. They were fighting over the ancient relic of Hara-Nor. Its mystical powers granted immortality to all who unleashed its power. It was hidden deep in the old city which Chakmoore was built over. Recently, the Hakarion Empire was winning the battle and had gained control of the city.
A young officer of the Mekanakor Empire named Tanas was sent out with a small force to infiltrate the old city and capture the relic. They had to break through dozens of enemy soldiers to get there. They set off through the streets. When they found the entrance, it was heavily guarded. They looked around some and found a hidden passageway that led down to the old city. After walking hundreds of steps in pitch darkness, they came to some light. They saw a few enemy soldiers. They easily took them out, and grabbed one of their torches. They continued deeper down, until eventually they came to a chamber with hundreds of Hakarion soldiers inside. They found a hidden spot where they could spy on what was going on in the chamber. The soldiers were gathering around an artifact, it was the relic of Harak-Nor which the two empires were fighting over.
“This is the moment of triumph; with this we shall finally destroy the Mekanakor Empire!†the General of the Hakarion troops said. The general touched the relic and it started to glow green and hum. Tanas and his soldiers knew that it would most likely be suicide, but they could not let the Hakarion’s get a hold of the power of the Hara-Nor. They charged into the chamber and attacked the Hakarion’s in the confusion of the relic. Just then, before anyone knew what was happening, the relic flashed a white light and then all went dark.
I enjoy creative writing myself, but as a hobby, nothing more. I also read a lot of fantasy books. This is rushed
way too much, you could expand these paragraphs a lot more with good description. The story is practically over and you have only used less than 5% of the words required. You should also develop the background a lot more in the first paragraph(s).
"They set off through the streets." This sentence alone could be described and expanded to possibly 3 or 4 paragraphs.
"They looked around some and found a hidden passageway that led down to the old city." See above.
"They easily took them out" How? Did they just wave their hands and they died? Magic? Swords? I think a description here is absolutely fundamental.
I'm no English Teacher or anything, but as I'm reading this story, it seems so lame and basic.
I was going to refer you to a story I wrote long ago, the main characters were Dodger and Guest, but I can't find it. It's nowhere near perfect, but you should see my amazing descriptive skills. ;D
Our story was awesome.
Quote from: Dodger on November 08, 2006, 06:58:22 PM
Our story was awesome.
I was the only one who wrote it...and can you find it Mr Computer God? It seems to have disappeared...
Quote from: The_Crusade on November 08, 2006, 04:54:18 PM
I enjoy creative writing myself, but as a hobby, nothing more. I also read a lot of fantasy books. This is rushed way too much, you could expand these paragraphs a lot more with good description. The story is practically over and you have only used less than 5% of the words required. You should also develop the background a lot more in the first paragraph(s).
"They set off through the streets." This sentence alone could be described and expanded to possibly 3 or 4 paragraphs.
"They looked around some and found a hidden passageway that led down to the old city." See above.
I also read A LOT of fantasy books. I see your point I am going a lot to fast, it took me two days to figure out what to write about. But it doesn't matter really all that much since my teacher isn't even reading it, I could put what I did in bold for hafer in the story and he wouldn't know. I'm not though because i'm trying to make a good story, but I suck at descriptions. I will try to include more details, and try to get a lot more quotes in there. But the story isn't almost over that was just the prologue, actually I don't know if its almost over or not because i'm making it up as I go.
Quote from: The_Crusade on November 08, 2006, 04:54:18 PM
"They easily took them out" How? Did they just wave their hands and they died? Magic? Swords? I think a description here is absolutely fundamental.
I'm no English Teacher or anything, but as I'm reading this story, it seems so lame and basic.
They easily took them out because I said they did!!! >:(
So you have an essay to write and nobody reads it? Wtf?
When I write stories, I always improvise as I go along too, planning is boring.
Quote from: The_Crusade on November 09, 2006, 11:57:49 AM
So you have an essay to write and nobody reads it? Wtf?
He's doing it for 2 classes, making 40 people.
Do u have any idea how long it would take for one teacher to read 40 15,000 word stories?
Quote from: The_Crusade on November 09, 2006, 11:57:49 AM
When I write stories, I always improvise as I go along too, planning is boring.
I concur.
Dodger's Story:
I wrote this two years ago for English Coursework, and I think it's pretty bad ass. I own at life.
__________________________________________________________________________
The clouds parted, revealing the bright, glowing full moon. A dull eerie glow was cast over the silent graveyard.
Suddenly there was an ear-piecing scream that made the hairs on the back of Harrison’s neck stand on end. The scream was cut short however, and silence once again engulfed the graves. Harrison picked up the pace, dodging in-between the gravestones, straining his ears to pick up the slightest noise. His eyes frantically scanned the ground and darkness in front, searching for anything that might lead him to the source of the noise.
A cloud drifted effortlessly in front of the moon, plunging Harrison and his surroundings into complete darkness.
“Oh bugger†he whispered with meaning.
Suddenly Harrison walked into something in the dark,
“Who’s there?†He said hoarsely.
Out of the darkness a match flared, the figure was holding it close to his face.
“S’me†spoke the familiar voice of Harrison’s partner, Wilson.
“Alright Stan†continued Harrison, as if their unexpected meeting was nothing out of the ordinary. The match that Wilson now held at arms length flickered and died.
“What’s happened?†Harrison whispered softly, “Why aren’t you waiting for the backup?â€
“Don’t move!†said a gruff voice, sharply in Harrison’s ear. A smooth cold blade silently appeared at Harrison’s throat.
“Are you sure you want to be doing this?†Harrison asked calmly.
“I’ll ask the questions I think†said the voice harshly, “what are you doing here?â€
Harrison’s elbow shot back like a piston, jabbing the attacker sharply in the stomach.
Harrison swung around quickly and, the attacker, in his own private world of pain, lowered his head protectively, causing it to connect forcibly with Harrison’s knee, which was travelling in the other direction.
The attacker staggered backwards and tripped over, banging his head on a gravestone.
“Hmmm…†said Harrison reflectively, watching the prone body. The man didn’t get back up.
“I did warn him,†said Harrison turning to face his partner. There was a gap in the foreground, where Wilson should be, but he had disappeared.
Suddenly a great blast of flame appeared in the distance, spiralling into the air.
“Damn†said Harrison, as the darkness got even blacker and Harrison was left with a white shape etched on the back of his eyelids.
He started to stumble towards the direction of the flames, “What the hell is going on?†he said to himself.
Harrison wandered on amidst the graves, maybe if he had been paying more careful attention, or if the fire had not made him lose his human night vision, then Harrison might have noticed that some of the shadows by the side of his path were a little too dark. He didn’t however, not until it was too late, two men, clothed in black jumped him from either side. Harrison reacted quickly, kicking the first man, hard in between the legs, leaving him writhing on the floor. Harrison had heard people talk of fighting fair, and had decided he wanted no part of it. The second man was quick however and Harrison heard the dull sound of wood hitting a head, his own head. He slumped forward.
“Urgh†Groaned Harrison as he came round. For the moment he kept his eyes closed, concentrating, which made his head ache. He seemed to be sat at ninety degrees,
“I wonder how this happened,†He thought to himself, but that can wait until later.
The ground underneath Harrison was icy cold and slightly wet, and he could feel something hard behind his head. Slightly pleased with this process of deduction, still keeping his eyes closed, he tried to move his arm upwards, but nothing happened. He tried his other arm, nothing.
“Hmmm…†said Harrison.
“Nice of you to join us.†Muttered Wilson.
Harrison opened his eyes; he was still in the graveyard. He glanced down; his arms and upper body were tightly bound to, what he could only think was, a gravestone.
Next to him Wilson was tied likewise.
“You’ve been out cold twenty minutes,†Wilson informed him, “they tied us upâ€
“Really?†Harrison said sarcastically. “Who’s they?†he continued.
“Well…from what I’ve worked out myself…we really don’t want to be involved in thisâ€
“What do you mean?†Said Harrison Cautiously.
“Shhh,†hissed Wilson “their coming†His eyes were transfixed on the lip of the hill, about half a league away.
Harrison could hear drums coming from the same direction. They were slowly getting louder.
“Look Wilson, what’s happening around here?â€
“I’m afraid we might be going to find out.†Replied Harrison’s partner fearfully.
___________________________________________________________________________
I myself, love descriptions, and descriptive adjectives. As you may well see :)
Description owns. Not bad at all. I'll give it an E- :-*
LOL
Well, it got an A. Noob.
Haha Nice ;D
But seriously, did you like it? Looking back over it I can see a few improvements could have been made, but it's better that Dragon's right? (:-*)
Quote from: flamingdragon on November 08, 2006, 01:51:21 AM
I have to write a 10,000-20,000 word novel for my English class by the end of the month and i'm going to share it here because I have nothing else to do. And so you can comment on it, give me suggestions, and to make fun of it (Bakster). It is just a first draft that I need to do though and it won't even be read. I also don't have that many quotes. So far, all I have is the prologue and a word count of 333.
Prologue:
In the age of old there was once an Empire known as Mekanakor. They were at war with the Evil Hakarion Empire. The armies were currently concentrating most of their efforts in the province of Chakmoore. They were fighting over the ancient relic of Hara-Nor. Its mystical powers granted immortality to all who unleashed its power. It was hidden deep in the old city which Chakmoore was built over. Recently, the Hakarion Empire was winning the battle and had gained control of the city.
A young officer of the Mekanakor Empire named Tanas was sent out with a small force to infiltrate the old city and capture the relic. They had to break through dozens of enemy soldiers to get there. They set off through the streets. When they found the entrance, it was heavily guarded. They looked around some and found a hidden passageway that led down to the old city. After walking hundreds of steps in pitch darkness, they came to some light. They saw a few enemy soldiers. They easily took them out, and grabbed one of their torches. They continued deeper down, until eventually they came to a chamber with hundreds of Hakarion soldiers inside. They found a hidden spot where they could spy on what was going on in the chamber. The soldiers were gathering around an artifact, it was the relic of Harak-Nor which the two empires were fighting over.
“This is the moment of triumph; with this we shall finally destroy the Mekanakor Empire!†the General of the Hakarion troops said. The general touched the relic and it started to glow green and hum. Tanas and his soldiers knew that it would most likely be suicide, but they could not let the Hakarion’s get a hold of the power of the Hara-Nor. They charged into the chamber and attacked the Hakarion’s in the confusion of the relic. Just then, before anyone knew what was happening, the relic flashed a white light and then all went dark.
I havn't commented yet. So I thought I would.
IMO, too many
short sentences. It's annoying to read.
eg, in the first paragraph, you could have combined many of those sentences into one, separated with comma's.
BTW, was it supposed to be sci-fi/fantasy or whatever this is? Or was the topic your choice?
Quote from: Dodger on November 09, 2006, 09:28:25 PM
But seriously, did you like it? Looking back over it I can see a few improvements could have been made, but it's better that Dragon's right? (:-*)
Yes, I did like it. It's a lot better than dragon's :-*
Thankyou, thankyou very much for those heavily cliched, unoriginal drizzled stories. What you have to realise is that you can describe as much as you like, hell its not exactly hard to waffle. You do however, need great skill and imagination to contruct a story that actually makes me want to read on and develop rather than read continous f***ing seas of descriptive language.
F*** me, its content ladies, content.
And in my humble opinion fantasy blows. Goblins are gay. Elves are gay. Dragons are gay. Thats why they do not exist because they were too gay.
Once again posting such matter on a dying game forum is quite baffling to me. Jeez.
::) Mine wasn't fantasy. Goddddd.
Quote from: Dodger on November 09, 2006, 09:32:23 PM
I havn't commented yet. So I thought I would.
IMO, too many short sentences. It's annoying to read.
eg, in the first paragraph, you could have combined many of those sentences into one, separated with comma's.
BTW, was it supposed to be sci-fi/fantasy or whatever this is? Or was the topic your choice?
Bakster just pointed that out. :o
And I could've chosen anything to write about.
Oops, wrong smiley.
::)
Quote from: SabreWulf on November 09, 2006, 11:29:11 PM
Thankyou, thankyou very much for those heavily cliched, unoriginal drizzled stories. What you have to realise is that you can describe as much as you like, hell its not exactly hard to waffle. You do however, need great skill and imagination to contruct a story that actually makes me want to read on and develop rather than read continous f***ing seas of descriptive language.
F*** me, its content ladies, content.
And in my humble opinion fantasy blows. Goblins are gay. Elves are gay. Dragons are gay. Thats why they do not exist because they were too gay.
Once again posting such matter on a dying game forum is quite baffling to me. Jeez.
What books do you read?
NONE I bet,
freakin loser making fun of us for reading.
I fixed the prologue a long time ago, totally forgot about posting my story here though, is this any better?
Prologue
In the age of old there was once an Empire known as Mekanakor. They were at war with the Evil Hakarion Empire. The war had been lasting for several generations with no end in sight, until now. The armies were currently concentrating most of their efforts in the province of Chakmoore. They were fighting over the ancient relic of Hara-Nor. Its mystical powers granted immortality to all who unleashed its power. It was hidden deep in the old city which Chakmoore was built over. Recently, the Hakarion Empire was winning the battle and had gained control of most of the city. A young officer of the Mekanakor Empire named Tanas was sent out with a small force to infiltrate the old city and capture the relic. They had to break through dozens of enemy soldiers to get there. They set off through the streets; the town was very odd from normal towns. The architect was extremely different from what they were used to It was built a long time ago by a very old race of people known as the Dyneus. When at last they finally came to the entrance, it was heavily guarded with a lot of the guards headed down into it. It was located in an easily defended part of the town, probably for the very reason of protecting the passageway; however it only made it impossible for them to get down it. They looked around the perimeter looking for perhaps another way to get down into the city. Eventually they found a house relatively near to the area of the passageway. They looked around inside the house and found a hidden passageway that led down to the old city. After walking hundreds of steps in pitch darkness, they came to some light. They saw a few enemy soldiers. They snuck up behind them, as they did not suspect anyone from that direction, and slit their throats, and grabbed one of their torches before it hit the ground. They continued deeper down, until eventually they came to a chamber with hundreds of Hakarion soldiers inside. They quickly took cover, and found a hidden spot where they could spy on what was going on in the chamber. The soldiers were gathering around an artifact, it was the very relic of Harak-Nor which the two empires were fighting over. “This is the moment of triumph; with this we shall finally destroy the Mekanakor Empire!†the General of the Hakarion troops said. The general touched the relic and it started to glow green and hum. Tanas and his soldiers knew that it would most likely be suicide, but they could not let the Hakarion’s get a hold of the power of the Hara-Nor. They charged into the chamber and attacked the Hakarion’s in the confusion of the relic. Just then, before anyone knew what was happening, the relic flashed a white light and then all went dark.
It's certainly longer anyways.
As Dodger pointed out, your sentences are too short and basic. I'll show you an example of why this is bad:
The boy walked down the street to the shop. He entered the shop. He bought some sweets. He left the shop. He walked home.Compared to this:
The boy walked down the street to the shop. He entered the shop, bought some sweets before leaving and heading home.Not the best example, but hopefully you see my point. There's no flow in your story, too many full stops. Most of all, it's boring as hell with no complex sentences.
Quote from: flamingdragonThey looked around inside the house and found a hidden passageway that led down to the old city.
So they just barged into the house? Kinda reminds me of Final Fantasy games :P
Your description skills are improving, but you tend to describe historical and background stuff as opposed to physical description. The more detail, the better ;D
For example, I hope you don't mind, but I edited the first paragraph.
Quote from: flamingdragon on November 30, 2006, 10:05:35 PMIn the age of old there was once an Empire known as Mekanakor. They were at war with the Evil Hakarion Empire. The war had been lasting for several generations with no end in sight, until now. The armies were currently concentrating most of their efforts in the province of Chakmoore. They were fighting over the ancient relic of Hara-Nor. Its mystical powers granted immortality to all who unleashed its power.
Many years ago, in the almost forgotten ages of old, there were once two Empires wreathed in all consuming war. The origins of this war had been lost to time, but the future looked bleak, and the war untameable. The two Empires, known as Mekanakor and the evil Hakarion, were currently pouring all of their resources into capturing the Ancient Relic of Hara-Nor, for it had been said that it's mystical powers could grant immortality to any who unleashed it's potential.
Quote from: SabreWulf on November 09, 2006, 11:29:11 PM
Thankyou, thankyou very much for those heavily cliched, unoriginal drizzled stories. What you have to realise is that you can describe as much as you like, hell its not exactly hard to waffle. You do however, need great skill and imagination to contruct a story that actually makes me want to read on and develop rather than read continous f***ing seas of descriptive language.
F*** me, its content ladies, content.
And in my humble opinion fantasy blows. Goblins are gay. Elves are gay. Dragons are gay. Thats why they do not exist because they were too gay.
Once again posting such matter on a dying game forum is quite baffling to me. Jeez.
I have since learned that he only reads erotica books. That was what he meant by '
content'.
Lolol
Quote from: Dodger on December 02, 2006, 11:45:56 AM
For example, I hope you don't mind, but I edited the first paragraph.
Many years ago, in the almost forgotten ages of old, there were once two Empires wreathed in all consuming war. The origins of this war had been lost to time, but the future looked bleak, and the war untameable. The two Empires, known as Mekanakor and the evil Hakarion, were currently pouring all of their resources into capturing the Ancient Relic of Hara-Nor, for it had been said that it's mystical powers could grant immortality to any who unleashed it's potential.
That is good.
I second that.
Quote from: flamingdragon on December 02, 2006, 05:08:58 PM
That is good.
Use it if you want ;)
Hope you get what I meant now...
I already wrote chapters 1-3 before posting the revised prologue, however I'll try to do better on the ones coming after them.
Chapter 1 â€" The Arrival
Tanas woke up and looked around. All around him was a barren desert. He started wandering through the barren desert, walking everywhere until after what seemed forever, he spotted a small desert village hovering in the distance. He ran into the city as fast as he could on the brink of dehydration. The town was completely deserted when he got there, with nothing in site in any direction whatsoever. He decided that if he didn’t drink something soon then he would die, so he decided to break into one of the houses. He managed to get inside one of the houses, where he got some food and water and began to eat. Just as he was finishing he heard a loud thundering noise coming from the west. He quickly ran to the window to see that hundreds of horsemen were riding his way. It then struck him that these were the villagers of the town. He heard them talking about the yearly Great Hunt that they hold. Tanas thought how extremely unlucky he must have been for them to be gone for the day he arrived. Tanas was found and immediately arrested by the town guard for theft and breaking and entering. He was in no position to fight, with no weapon, so he surrendered. His crime was a huge atrocity as the people in that town rarely commit a crime. He was thrown into prison and a date was then set for him to be executed, in one week’s time. Tanas wasted away in the empty dungeons for a week until finally the time came for him to be executed. He was escorted into the town square for a public execution. All the villagers came to see the execution. Tanas neck was to be chopped off with an axe. Tanas was brought up to the platform, leaned his head over the table and… just then five people came riding up into the town square on horses. Just as the executioners axe came down, they shot it out of his hand with an arrow. The executioner, enraged, charged at them, however the town leader intervened and stopped him and declared the execution postponed. Tanas looked up and saw five soldiers under his command, then he was knocked in the back of the head and blacked out. Tanas was carted back off to the jail cells, meanwhile the Mekanakorian troops explained their situation to the town leader, Athelos. He believed their story; however there was nothing he could do. He explained to them that the people would not settle with Tanas being released, and that someone needed to be punished. However, he told them, there was nothing he could do about the prisoner “escapingâ€, and he gave them the plans to the prison. Later that night, they snuck into the prison in an attempt to free Tanas. They easily knocked out the guard from behind and took the keys. They quickly freed the still unconscious Tanas and escaped outside of the prison. When they arrived outside, they heard screams and clashing of steel. He asked a running townsperson what was going on and he yelled that they were under attack from bandits, whose numbers had suddenly bolstered. They decided to get out of there while they still could; in the escape they saw the armor of a troop of the Hakarion Empire. They ran faster, carrying Tanas, and escaped into the darkness…..
Chapter 2 â€" Allies
Tanas awakened in a camp someway away from the city, he saw his soldiers in the camp around him. Well, five of them Cesak, Aelasu, Storm, Vorque, and Adaria. Cesak was a huge, strong warrior, Aelasu, a war-mage, Storm, a knight, Vorque, a swordsman, and Adaria, an archer. They told him what had happened after they had all charged into the room. Tanas had been knocked out by a blow from an enemy soldier, when the relic of Hara-Nor had somehow teleported them all to this strange place. Tanas had appeared somewhere else perhaps because he was unconscious. Then them, with the rest of their force thirty strong, had appeared in another part of the desert. Surrounded by the hundred strong Hakarion army. It was a tough fight, but they managed to somehow fight there way threw and escape to the city. They killed very few Hakarion troops, and they were all that was left of the original thirty. “But why did they join up with bandits and attack the city, Tanas said. “Most likely they came for thisâ€, Aelasu said as he pulled the relic of Hara-Nor from out of his robes. “We managed to steal it from the Hakarion general as we were escapingâ€, said Cesak. However it wouldn’t be long before the Hakarion troops realized they were not in the city and come looking for them. They traveled around the desert seeking shelter from the bandits and Hakarion troops. Eventually in the distance, they saw a sparkling city. When they started nearing the city, they heard horses thundering behind them and it sounded like an earthquake.
They made a run for the city and eventually they made it to the gates just as the horses were almost on them. They quickly told the gatekeeper they were being attacked by bandits and he opened the gates for them, the gates then tightly shut closed as the bandits came up to it with dust trailing behind them….
Chapter 3 â€" The Avengeance
Tanas and his party had arrived to the City of Abydos, The leader of the town, Ashelenor, had agreed to let them stay within the walls of the city after they had explained their plight to them. Abydos was the main trading center of this province; however the bandits had been stopping most of the trade by ransacking the caravans. They did not have enough warriors within the town to drive the bandits off now that the Hakarion’s had joined up with them. They stayed with Ashelenor for hours thinking up a plan to defeat the bandits. However someone was required to make it all work. Storm boldly volunteered himself to take on the daring mission. There was only one thing they needed, to get the bandits to attack the city instead of depleting their food. And there was only one thing they had that the bandits wanted……….…the relic. They had previously inspected the relic, however it bore only writing they could not read, there seemed to be no special way to activate it. For now, the device was useless, however the Hakarion’s were not aware of that. They would have to use the relic to lure the enemy close to the city in order for their plan to work. The city gates opened and they threw the relic out into the sand. Meanwhile a scout of the Hakarion’s sees this, he runs to tell their commander of the news. A bandit scout however saw it to, and decided they wanted it for themselves; they planned to betray the Hakarion’s and attack them. The Hakarion general decides to send everyone immediately to get the relic, since he decided that it could be a trap, but his entire force combined with the bandits could destroy any threat that they faced. That was just what the makanakorians hoped for. The bandits decided they would strike the Hakarion’s just before they retrieved the relic. The bandits and Hakarion’s set out towards the relic. Just as they were getting near, an airship launched from the city, it was an old airship, falling apart, it had been dragged out of a storage in the city so it could be of use, on board was a single passenger, Storm. In the distraction, the bandits turned on the Hakarion’s, they were caught by surprise and their commander cursed the bandits and retreated with a dozen soldiers out of the battle. Just then the city catapults fired, the bandits charged the city and began shooting the airship, but stopped dead when they were splashed with not a boulder from the catapults, but oil. The catapults were firing barrels full of oil at them. Just then, there was an explosion, the bandits efforts were finally pulling through and part of the airship had exploded. “What could they be thinking, hoping that that airship could possibly pose a threat to usâ€, the bandit leader said. The airship was disabled and slowly falling toward the ground, with explosions happening all around it, just then the bandit leader notices that and looks around at all his men covered in oil, just then one of the explosions from the airship hit the ground, the dessert was set ablaze with flames…
I see no one responded to this because it shocked them with it's awesomeness.
BTW, what the hell is with all those "â€"s in it, I'm sure those weren't there before........
Stuff like that shags up sometimes. Looks like they used to be apostrophes.