(This joke got the most laughs from people in England according to a scientific study on jokes.)
Two weasels are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, "I slept with your mother!" The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!" The other says, "Go home dad you're drunk."
I would hate to meet the Brits that found that funny.
I found it reasonably funny.
:-\ It's about weasels...
lol
One day a doctor calls an elderly man and tells him he has some good news and some bad news about his condition. The doctor says, "I have some good news and bad news for you. The good news is, you have 24 hours to live." The old man says,"That's the good news?! Then what's the bad news?" The doctor calmly replies,"I was supposed to tell you yesterday."
Paddy & Seamus are in a life raft, floating in the middle of the ocean.
Paddy spies a lantern floating in the water, scoops it up, gives it a quick rub and *pouff*, a genie appears and offers him one wish.
Paddy says, 'Oh, that's easy, I wish the entire ocean were Guinness'
The genies clicks his fingers, and the entire ocean turns to murky stout.
Seamus stares at Paddy in disbelief, and slaps him hard on the back of the head, shouting, 'What the hell did you do that for Paddy ??? Now we're going to have to piss in the boat...'
Whys a woman like a floor tile? If you lay them right the first time you can walk all over them for the rest of your life!....p.s. good thing my gf has more of a life than i do so she'll never read this!
Ahem....Topic is called "One Joke Every Day".
Not one joke every hour ;)
So there are three babies, all unborn, sitting in their mothers tummy discussing wut they want to be when they grow up....the first says " I wanna be a plumber" the others ask why and he replies " Because im tired of living in crap!" The second baby says " I wanna be an electrician " the others ask why and he replies " Because im tired of living in the dark ". The first and second baby look at the third baby and ask. "What are you gonna be when you grow big?" He replies " I'm gonna be a hunter " the otheres ask "Why the heck would you wanna be a hunter?" so he says " SO I CAN CATCH THAT GOD DAMN WEASEL WHO KEEPS POPPING HIS HEAD IN AND OUT OF HERE!!!!"
:D Now that is funny.
Quote from: Dodger on December 13, 2005, 09:15:17 PM
Ahem....Topic is called "One Joke Every Day".
Not one joke every hour ;)
I reverse-counter-legsweep your quote with my own quote!
Quote from: Bakster on December 12, 2005, 06:17:20 PM
You can all post jokes too as much as you like, but I will stick to posting a joke a day!
A lady goes on vacation to Jamaica. Upon arriving, she meets a black man, and after a night of passionate love making she asks him, "What is your name?" "I can't tell you" the black man says. Every night they meet and every night she asks him again what his name is and he always responds the same, he can't tell her. On her last night there she asks again, "Can you please tell me your name?" I can't tell you my name because you will laugh at me." says the black man. "There is no reason for me to laugh at you," the lady says. "Fine, my name is Snow!" the black man replies. And the lady bursts into laughter, the black man gets mad and says, "I knew you would make fun of it". The lady replied, "I'm not making fun of your name.I'm thinking of my husband who won't believe me when I tell him that I had 10 inches of Snow everyday in Jamaica!"
If you get this joke, then you are an idiot who sucks!
lol i get it
A guy walks into a bar and asks for a glass of beer, and the bartender says, "That'll be four cents, please." The guy nearly spits out his beer. "Four cents?!" he says in amazement. "How much for a plate of fish and chips with extra mashed potatoes and gravy and a side order of peas?" "Eleven cents," says the bartender. The customer says he's going to recommend this place to all of his friends because of the low prices. "Wow!" he exclaims. "Where's the manager so I can thank him for these low prices and shake his hand?" "Upstairs," says the bartender, "with my wife." "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" the customer asks. "Same thing I'm doing to his bar and his money," the bartender calmly replies.
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry." "No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away." "I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
lol good one :)
About time my jokes got some recognition :-[ :-*
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident... Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt... This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days." Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!" This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break... Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."
lol that bitxch
lol, iv herd that one before
Here's a short joke.... What do you do to a dog that won't stop humping your leg?
You beat it off .
A Mexican drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Mexico our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink from the same glass twice." An Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his AK-! 47 and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either. The REDNECK, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer, drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun, shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi, then catches his glass as it falls into his hand. HE says, "In America we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice"
Heheheh nice one. :)
President Bush visits a primary school classroom. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks President Bush if he would like to lead the discussion of the word' tragedy.'
So the president asks the class for an example of a tragedy.
One little boy stands up and offers: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him that would be a 'tragedy'."
"No," says President Bush, "that would be an accident." A little girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explains President Bush. "That's what we would call a 'great loss'."
The room goes silent. No other children volunteered. Bush searches the room.
"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally, at the back of the room a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice, he says: "If Air Force One carrying you, Mr. President, were struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a' tragedy'."
"Fantastic!" exclaims President Bush. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a 'tragedy'?"
"Well," says the boy, "because it certainly wouldn't be a 'great loss', and it probably wouldn't be an 'accident' either".
Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Sorry, but I'm not bothering copying from my jokes site just to be ignored... >:(
I DESERVE ATTENTION!!
just because we dont respond, doesnt mean were not lauphing at u, just as im sure you will all be laffing at me because i dont know how to spell laphfing... i hate owr language. like that "i before e, exept after c" rule. heres a few exeptions 2 that rule:
fancied
societyÂ
societalÂ
societiesÂ
icierÂ
dicierÂ
lacierÂ
racierÂ
fancierÂ
glacierÂ
juicierÂ
pricierÂ
spicierÂ
bouncierÂ
chancierÂ
fanciersÂ
fleecierÂ
glaciersÂ
conciergeÂ
financierÂ
conciergesÂ
financiersÂ
ancientÂ
scienceÂ
ancientsÂ
haciendaÂ
inciensoÂ
nescientÂ
sciencesÂ
scienterÂ
ancientlyÂ
deficientÂ
efficientÂ
haciendasÂ
nescienceÂ
prescientÂ
scientistÂ
conscienceÂ
deficiencyÂ
efficiencyÂ
omniscientÂ
prescienceÂ
proficientÂ
scientificÂ
scientistsÂ
sufficientÂ
ancientnessÂ
calefacientÂ
coefficientÂ
consciencesÂ
efficientlyÂ
inefficientÂ
omniscienceÂ
prescientlyÂ
rubefacientÂ
sufficiencyÂ
coefficientsÂ
deficienciesÂ
efficienciesÂ
inefficiencyÂ
insufficientÂ
neuroscienceÂ
proficientlyÂ
putrefacientÂ
rubefacientsÂ
sorbefacientÂ
sufficientlyÂ
unscientificÂ
abortifacientÂ
calorifacientÂ
conscientiousÂ
inefficientlyÂ
insufficiencyÂ
proficienciesÂ
pseudoscienceÂ
sufficienciesÂ
abortifacientsÂ
absorbefacientÂ
consciencelessÂ
insufficientlyÂ
scientificallyÂ
conscientiouslyÂ
unconscientiousÂ
pseudoscientificÂ
unscientificallyÂ
conscientiousnessÂ
unconscientiousnessÂ
iciestÂ
diciestÂ
laciestÂ
raciestÂ
fanciestÂ
deity (deified, deify)
eider
eiderdown
eidetic
eidolon
Eifel Tower (name?)
eikon (icon)
Einstein theory (name?)
either
foreign (foreigner)
forfeit
height (heighten)
leisure
neither
protein
reincarnate
reinforce
reinstate
reinsure
reinvigorate
reiterate
seize
sovereign
specie
species
weird
juiciestÂ
priciestÂ
spiciestÂ
bounciestÂ
chanciestÂ
fleeciest Â
bacciesÂ
fanciesÂ
merciesÂ
recciesÂ
speciesÂ
abbaciesÂ
agenciesÂ
curaciesÂ
idiociesÂ
legaciesÂ
lunaciesÂ
papaciesÂ
piraciesÂ
policiesÂ
decenciesÂ
fallaciesÂ
infanciesÂ
potenciesÂ
prelaciesÂ
primaciesÂ
privaciesÂ
regenciesÂ
secreciesÂ
tenanciesÂ
truanciesÂ
urgenciesÂ
vacanciesÂ
valenciesÂ
accuraciesÂ
adequaciesÂ
advocaciesÂ
currenciesÂ
delegaciesÂ
delicaciesÂ
exigenciesÂ
intimaciesÂ
lambenciesÂ
pharmaciesÂ
propheciesÂ
subspeciesÂ
tangenciesÂ
tendenciesÂ
valianciesÂ
aberranciesÂ
apparenciesÂ
autocraciesÂ
baronetciesÂ
candidaciesÂ
captainciesÂ
coherenciesÂ
constanciesÂ
contumaciesÂ
covalenciesÂ
democraciesÂ
diplomaciesÂ
emergenciesÂ
frequenciesÂ
hesitanciesÂ
immediaciesÂ
indecenciesÂ
intricaciesÂ
jubilanciesÂ
militanciesÂ
monocraciesÂ
occupanciesÂ
poignanciesÂ
pregnanciesÂ
residenciesÂ
superficiesÂ
supremaciesÂ
theocraciesÂ
absorbenciesÂ
ascendanciesÂ
ascendenciesÂ
bankruptciesÂ
brillianciesÂ
chaplainciesÂ
competenciesÂ
complianciesÂ
conspiraciesÂ
deficienciesÂ
degeneraciesÂ
dependenciesÂ
divergenciesÂ
efficienciesÂ
expectanciesÂ
expedienciesÂ
inaccuraciesÂ
inadequaciesÂ
incumbenciesÂ
indelicaciesÂ
insistenciesÂ
insolvenciesÂ
insurgenciesÂ
interspeciesÂ
intraspeciesÂ
magistraciesÂ
permanenciesÂ
plutocraciesÂ
precedenciesÂ
presidenciesÂ
profligaciesÂ
redundanciesÂ
stringenciesÂ
turbulenciesÂ
viscountciesÂ
accountanciesÂ
ambivalenciesÂ
aristocraciesÂ
astringenciesÂ
bueraucraciesÂ
chieftainciesÂ
confederaciesÂ
conservanciesÂ
consistenciesÂ
consultanciesÂ
contingenciesÂ
convergenciesÂ
delinquenciesÂ
discrepanciesÂ
incoherenciesÂ
inconstanciesÂ
infrequenciesÂ
inhabitanciesÂ
irrelevanciesÂ
lieutenanciesÂ
meritocraciesÂ
paramountciesÂ
persistenciesÂ
proficienciesÂ
sufficienciesÂ
technocraciesÂ
constituenciesÂ
independenciesÂ
precipitanciesÂ
preoccupanciesÂ
transparenciesÂ
inconsistenciesÂ
transcendenciesÂ
^^^
way too much free time
Or perhaps he copied that off a website? Think about it silencer... you really think he came up with that entire list while sitting there and thinking about a grammar rule? Seriously...
This is a great joke!
An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding. The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions. Later, they passed some people who remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk." They then decided they both would walk! Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey. Now they passed some people who shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey. The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned. The moral of the story; "If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ass good-bye."
;D ;D ;D :D :D :D :) :) :) :P :P :P
lol
A teacher asks her class, "If there are five birds sitting on a fence, and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on Little Vito. He replies, "None. They will all fly away with the first gunshot." The teacher replies, "The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking." Then, Little Vito says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?" The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone." To which Little Vito replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on', but I like your thinking."
A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.
After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had...er...fun in the backseat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening." "You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad, apparently he had the time of his life."
:o ;D :o ;D
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative." A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
:D
Where do you get your jokes from? I have a pretty decent site too...
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.
He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girls’ parents’ house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!". The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"
lol :o :o
You'll never know, Guesty boy. MUAUAUUHAUHUAAHUUHUHUHAUHUAHAHHAAHu!!!!
Alrighty then.
LMFAO!!!
A little boy who wanted $100 very badly prayed and prayed for two weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to God requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter to "God, USA," they decided to send it to President Clinton. The president was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5 bill. Mr. Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5, and immediately sat down to write a thank you note to God which read "Dear God, Thank you for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C., and as usual, those bastards deducted $95."
Special Christmas Joke!
Is There a Santa Clause?
1. No known species of reindeer that can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not completely rule out flying reindeer (which only Santa has ever seen.)
2. There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total-378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.
3. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept),we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc. This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second-a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.
4. The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload-not even counting the weight of the sleigh-to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison-this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.
5. 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance-this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.
In conclusion: If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.
:D Nice, but its not a joke as much it is a proof.
It's still funny ;D
The top 18 ways to confuse Santa Claus
1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.
2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.
3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.
4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.
5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!
6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa"
7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.
8. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.
9. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.
10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy." Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa"
11. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."
12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.
13. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.
14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.
15. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.
16. Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.
17. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.
18. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."
....
Quote from: Bakster on December 25, 2005, 04:29:15 PM
In conclusion: If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.
Santas not real/dead?!?! :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'(
no santa has a baby yearly so when he dies his baby delivers next year
The last Christmas joke!
One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip ... but there were problems everywhere.
Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit.
This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. Needless to say Santa wasn't in the best mood.
Just then the doorbell rang and Santa went to the door expecting another problem. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree there just to cheer Santa up.
The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?"
Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
OMG!!!! LMFAO ...I gottas remember that one :D
It was Friday, and four nuns went to the priest at the local Catholic church to ask for the weekend off. They argued back and forth for a few minutes. Finally the priest agreed to let them leave the convent for the weekend. "However", he said, "as soon as you get back Monday morning I want you to confess to me what you did over the weekend." The four nuns agree, and run off. Monday comes, and the four nuns return. The first nun goes to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest asks, "What did you do, Sister?" She replies, "I watched an R-rated movie." The priest looks up at heaven for a few seconds, then replies, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water." The first nun leaves, and the fourth nun begins to chuckle quietly under her breath. The second nun then goes up to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest replies, "OK, what happened?" She says, "I was driving my brother's car down the street in front of his house, and I hit a neighbors dog and killed it." The priest looks up to heaven for half a minute, then says, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water." The second nun goes out. By this time, the fourth nun is laughing quite audibly. Then the third nun walks to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest asks, "Out with it. What did you do?" She says, "Last night, I ran naked up and down Main Street." The priest looks up at heaven for a full five minutes before responding, "God forgives you. Go and drink the holy water." She leaves. The fourth nun falls on the floor, laughing so hard tears run down her cheeks. The priest asks her, "OK. What did you do that was so darn funny?" The fourth nun replies, "I peed in the holy water..."
;D That got a chuckle outta me, now here's mine:
A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."
The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses. Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost."
They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on in." They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my window?"
"Uh, yeah, sorry about that." the husband replied.
"No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes- I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."
"OK, great!" the husband said. “I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem-it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife.
"I want a house in every country of the world," she said.
"Consider it done." the genie replied.
"And what's your wish, genie?� the husband said.
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."
The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care." The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours.
After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, "How old is your husband, anyway?"
"35." she replied.
"And he still believes in genies? That's amazing."
A bunch of universities across the world told jokes to people whilst measuring their reaction by a brain scan. This is, officially, the funniest joke in the world:
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?� The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.� There is a short silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?"
lmao :D
On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" The kid replies, "Yeah." The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike." The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket. The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did." The kid continued, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."
Due to reasons beyond my control (See General Discussion), I have been unable to post jokes for the last two days.
So here come three jokes! Three times the laughter!
Things you would like to say at work:
1. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
2. And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
3. Do I look like a people person?
4. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
5. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
6. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
7. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
8. You!... Off my planet!
9. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
10. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
11. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
12. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
13. Allow me to introduce my selves.
14. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
15. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
16. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
17. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
18. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
19. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
20. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
21. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
22. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
23. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
24. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
25. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
26. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida.... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny! Love this... every time I read it, makes me laugh!!!!
NAME: Greg Bulmash
SEX:
Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION:
Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY:
$185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION:
Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD:
Target for middle management hostility. SALARY:
Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING:
It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:
Any.
PREFERRED HOURS:
1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:
Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?:
Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:
I think the more appropriate question here would be, Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?:
On the job no, on my breaks yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:
Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN HERE:
Aries.
One day a mathematician decides that he is sick of math. So, he walks down to the fire department and announces that he wants to become a fireman.
The fire chief says, "Well, you look like a good guy. I'd be glad to hire you, but first I have to give you a little test."
The firechief takes the mathematcian to the alley behind the fire department which contains a dumpster, a spigot, and a hose. The chief then says, "OK, you're walking in the alley and you see the dumpster here is on fire. What do you do?"
The mathematician replies, "Well, I hook up the hose to the spigot, turn the water on, and put out the fire."
The chief says, "That's great... perfect. Now I have to ask you just one more question. What do you do if you're walking down the alley and you see the dumpster is not on fire?"
The mathematician puzzles over the question for awhile and he finally says, "I light the dumpster on fire."
The chief yells, "What? That's horrible! Why would you light the dumpster on fire?"
The mathematician replies, "Well, that way I reduce the problem to one I've already solved."
An elderly man in Miami calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls her father immediately and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME!?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares."
After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still live," Osama himself decided to send George W. a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message: "370HSSV-0773H"
Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Colin Powell. Colin and his aides had no clue either so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it so it went to the CIA, on then to the NSA, then to the Secret Service. With no clue as to it's meaning, they eventually asked Canada's RCMP for help.
The RCMP cabled the White House as follows:
"Tell the President he is looking at the message upside down!"
Why did 6 fear 7 so much?
Because 7 8 9!!!!!
okay. there are 4 nuns in confession one morning after they got back from home passes.
The priest says to the first nun "tell me what troubles you my sister"
the nun replies" last night, I saw a mans penis"
the priest responds"thats not so bad. go rince your eyes with holy water and your forgiven."
the nun does as instructed and the second nun approaches.
"Tell me what troubles you my sister"
commands the priest.
"well, I grabbed a mans penis last night."
she informs the priest.
"hmmm" says the priest. "go wash your hands in the holy water and your forgiven"
At the sound of that, the 4'th nun goes flying past the 3'rd nun.
"HEY HEY NOW" says the priest "whats the hurry"
the nun replies
"I have to go gargle that water, before that bitch sticks her ass in it."
on his last day of work, a mail man is suprised to see all the gifts that he is given by the people he delivered to.
He gets cash from nearly every house he stopped at.
He approaches his last house to find a gorgeouse blond outside waiting in nearly nothing. She invites him upstaires and gives him the most mindblowing sex he has ever had, afterwards, she takes himdownstairs and makes him waffles, eggs, ham and oatmeal. he looks under his milk glass and he sees a 5 dollar bill.
"This was all so wonderful" he sais" but I have to ask you, whats with the 5 dollars."
"Well, I told my husband that today was your last day and asked him what we should do for you" she replied.
"He said 'Screw the mail man, give him a 5' but the breakfast was my idea."
On a busy Friday afternoon, while the passengers are patiently waiting for their flight to begin, two men dressed in Pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up.
The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke but none is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the end of the runway.
As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.
At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "You know, John, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."
As you are receiving e-mail, it's wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally and with serious consequences.
Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.
Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before.
When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. Hearing the scream, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
"Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!"
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back....or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few women who did...
FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.
SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who work at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my Sister has never let me forget.
FOURTH TESTIMONY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amuck. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me was screams of laughter.
FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a particular question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so, of course, I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then, I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled, "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
LAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow -- but don't get any....a true story.
We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
How do you make a donkey laugh?
Tell him your penis is bigger than his.
How do you make a donkey cry?
Show it to him.
Not really a joke.
But made me laugh:
http://www.thingsmygirlfriendandihavearguedabout.com
Too long. The first 100 bullet points didn't make me laugh, so I'll be damned if the next 1000 do!
Quote from: Bakster on February 10, 2006, 05:44:47 PM
Too long. The first 100 bullet points didn't make me laugh, so I'll be damned if the next 1000 do!
Wow, you must be a slow reader. Took me about 5 minutes.
Of course. I'm an uber fast reader, but that was just crap.
Bakster is a liar. BURN HIM! he stopped posting jokes.
man, seriously, this thread was cool, id say to keep it up, but seeing as how were burning u, nvm
*brings active threads back 2 top
and i know this isnt an active thread, but i would like it to be again :)
*nods*
50 catchup jokes asap please Mr.B.
*bump* bakster, ur way behind on ur jokes.
here ill tell 1 to get u started.
a bear and a rabbit are making poopies, and the bear asks the rabbit, "do u ever have trouble with shit sticking to your fur?" the rabbit says no, so the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit :D
yay! the post above me made me a commander! 500 POSTS! TAKE THAT GUEST, I BET ULL NEVER GET 500 POSTS!
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Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
There, I've caught up.
Quote from: haferhole1 on April 05, 2006, 10:15:05 PM
yay! the post above me made me a commander! 500 POSTS! TAKE THAT GUEST, I BET ULL NEVER GET 500 POSTS!
Damn you. It's going to take me forever to catch up ::)
And he does mean that, first he needs to devise a way of getting negative posts...
Delete every post in the general discussion section :D
I can also delete posts in the tournament section. Actually, I can delete everything, including everyone else's posts in the tournament section ;D